Member Details for NatDuv
|Real name||Nate Duverge|
|Member since||May, 2012|
|Articles voted for||1|
I've always felt like I was all alone in the world.
I'm a Haitian/Dominican from the South Bronx in NYC. My father's a janitor and my mother's to physically impaired to work. And I often feel like the failure among my siblings. They're all so full of potential, and I feel like the weed in the garden. Look at, already bitching. I'm probably just a stupid teenager, who's to insecure to realize when he's just being an idiot. Among some, I'm known as a loyal friend, an AP student, a class-clown, a musician, and a slacker. Among others, I'm that ugly, geeky, wanna-be rock-star. I thrive to be considered a charismatic leader. I've made it a habit to be as witty, honest, smart and charming as I could in all situations. But, things don't always go my way.
I'm in High School of course. A flamboyant under-funded art high school I might add. The majority of the students sport radically dyed hair. Greens mixed with blue. Orange and purple. Black with red. Bleach blonde with a blue streak. And to top it off, ridiculous contacts. They assert their independence by choosing a unique look, but its in this aspect that they're all the same, and why, if anything, they're the least unique of us all. They all listen to the same stuff. Watch the same things. Talk the same. Act the same. And they don't seem to get that. But hey, I'm straight-edge. I'm following the example of a pro wrestler. Guess I can't complain.
I feel for a girl of course. A friend of my best friend. She dyes her hair more than anybody. Last year she was a dirty blonde, brunette, redhead, blue head. Her natural color is dark brown. But shell deny it at all cost. It's her dream to be a blonde-eyed, bleach blonde. Her eyes of course where the first thing I fell for. Green, deep green. With tiny patches of gray along the iris, and a gold ring around the pupils. You notice those little details when you look at those eyes everyday. She's pretty short, about 5'3", and has a chubby figure. Of course, that leads to problems. She has a very low self esteem. I spent most of my time last year reminding her how beautiful I thought she was, but that hasn't helped, I guess. She's a bit anti-social. She has a boyfriend of course, a girl that beautiful isn't just ignored. Except he's from, god knows where. They met over Facebook 2 years ago, and never broke up, despite the fact that he cheated on her twice. She believes he's her only chance at true happiness. Can't say I don't get jealous. He's a heck of a lot better looking than me. Older than both of us. Has a car. A house in D.C. It's a 17-year old girl's fantasy. Even though he's 22. I spent most of my time as a cushion and a shoulder to cry on. And I got so used to being her wall, I forgot I was a human being. I forgot I deserved to be happy too. We don't talk often now. She and I have grown apart. It became obvious that I'm only relevant to her as long as they're distant. All of her friends began feeling that way, but it seems, even though everyone's turning away, I'm the only one who's hurt by it. And its a killer because just a year ago, we were the best of friends.
I want to be a musician. Not a rock-star. I want to be the kind of guy that's respected, not famous. Id rather play at a coffeehouse than Staples Center. I'm not into the modern day mainstream pop and rock acts. It lacks the soul the indies show. It lacks the feel of an average small band just using their instruments and their feelings. My favorite bands are Thee Smithereens, Rage Against The Machine and There For Tomorrow. But I listen to a lot of other classic and modern acts too. The Police, The Ramones, Thin Lizzy, Yes, Led Zeppelin, Killswitch Engage, The Doors, Capra and a few others. My dream is to retiree and join a jazz band. I play bass, and I taught myself to play the guitar over the summer. Before I found a passion for music, I was always miserable, and I hated myself, and, apparently, everyone else did too.
I'm a Christian. But I'm a firm believer in Science, Philosophy and Reason as well. Sounds crazy right? I like to believe that somewhere between my faith and science, is a balance, that science can compliment my beliefs. And at the same time, I don't exactly trust all the so called "Christians" in congress. You know, those who are so closed-minded they forget to love thy neighbor. I believe in the separation of religion and government, especially in a country like America. But, that's a tough position to live in. People have a tendency to stereotype me as soon as they see a cross around my neck, especially in a school like mine, which lacks religious tolerance. Its the students and staff that claim to be the most open-minded that are usually the most bigoted. I've sat in classrooms where the kids bashed and criticized Christians as a whole, making false conclusions based on what they assumed is true. I've been labeled as a homophobe, despite the fact that two of my closest friends who I would die for are a lesbian and a bisexual male. But its those same kids that contradict themselves and bash the gay kids in my school, who I defended to the point of ridicule. But sure, I'm the homophobic one.
I've been suicidal before, of course. My life is an over-complicated mess. I use to dream about jumping off of buildings, killing myself with grenades, stabbing myself, electrocuting myself. I've also felt, if I did die, it deserved to be slow and painful. I've always felt I deserved to feel the pain of the world, because I've always felt I don't deserve the life I live. I was born in the United States, after all. I don't deserve to complain. And I haven't truly worked hard for a thing in my life. I've never had to kill, or grow my own food, or fight in an army to survive. I just live off of what others provide. I'm just a leech.
But, I try to keep my head up. I try not to let all the feelings of pain and disdain phase me. I keep a smile on my face, meet up with my bros, play a little guitar and keep pushing. And more and more I'm beginning to see improvements. My self-esteem is at its peak. When I look in the mirror, I don't hate who I see anymore. And when I have the chance I speak the truth. I don't let what others think about me bother me either. I'm able to laugh when people insult me, for the most part. It's something I needed to learn in order to keep on living....
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